Chapter 18 page 52-53
Over a period of months Elizabeth had become engrossed in depression and alienated from herself by loneliness. She kept all of her thoughts and needs inside and did not consider what she actually wanted. Instead, she told herself that things were the way they were supposed to be, she even put down herself in the mean time. She tried to understand why it is people want to have children, and considered her opposition to having children as abnormal and persuaded herself that she wanted them, when truthfully that was a complete lie to herself. She tried to be a good wife to her husband even though she wanted nothing more than to be free to live her own life, detached and free. For her it was a constant battle between what she wanted and what she thought she wanted. Her self confidence was shallow, and her uncertainty about herself caused her to live untruthfully against herself.
One night when she was drowning in depression she looked to her private notebook where she was able to find "emergency help." She wrote, "I need your help." A response arose in her own writing, "I'm right here, what can I do for you?" That night on her bathroom floor she found help, and with that "most secret conversation" she found her answers.
This passage holds a deeper meaning not only for Elizabeth, but for us readers. Elizabeth though she did not have any control of her life, and she found hope in a journal. In actuality Elizabeth was receiving answers from herself, from her soul, and all the while she "though" the answers were coming from a greater force (something of a God). The truth is that the answers are always there, they lie within us. We know what we want and what we deserve, and what it comes down to is if we are willing to listen to those desires and interests...because they are what we truthfully want and deserve. It is not until we realize this that we can find stability within our self and within our thougths/decisions.
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